A theory of novels

With all the useless pulp filling bookshelves these days, I think it's about time somebody knocked certain writers in the head and reminded them what writing novels is all about. I mean, certain ones have it down, but after spending an entire month writing a novel (or two weeks in which I typed out as much as I could per day to get the wordcount), I can tell you that there ARE people who don't know why people read -- or for that matter, why you should write.

Okay, maybe it's a little controlling of me to tell you why to write. But there is only one reason why I read, and that is to have fun. It is to hear an interesting story that draws me in. I do not read to learn about the author's political opinions. I do not generally read to learn about philosophy (I'm looking at you, Sophie's World). I do not read to understand why one kind of gun or spaceship is more powerful than another. (Star Wars novels, please reference the Ender's Game series for how to not suck.) I do not read because I am interested in looking at a textbook. That's why I have government class.

Okay, okay. There are exceptions. Yes, I read nonfiction. Into the Wild and Three Cups of Tea are exceptions to that. So is Walden, of which all the interesting parts are philosophy anyway. So I'm talking out of my butt a little bit for part of this. But as I look at the last four or five books I picked up, there is one and only one reason why I finished some and not others -- because the bad ones, for lack of story, were boring.

First, I began Raptor Red. Now, I was obsessed with dinosaurs as a kid -- the BBC's Walking with Dinosaurs still ranks among the top television shows of all time for me -- and I really liked looking at encyclopedias, especially if they had dinosaurs in them. (And I loved The Magic School Bus. I was the textbook example of a nerd in the making.) So I would have expected to eat a book like this up. The problem is that the book was written by an archaeologist. While he has some interesting things to say, his story is too fabricated to be a historically accurate portrayal of dinosaur society, and too obsessed with the science to be a good story. I kept getting interrupted in the middle of the narrative to hear about the evolutionary process of the Llamasaur or the massive jaw capabilities of the Boringosaurus Rex. One mating scene took up an entire chapter. It is not worth it for me to crawl through a book to finish it. I am totally allowed to put down a book halfway through if it sucks. So I did.

Then I did it again, though I hadn't expected too. A Canticle for Leibowitz was billed to me by my mom as "a really good book". It's a science fiction novel about a post-apocalyptic future where odd religions are becoming more and more prevalent across the globe. That's already putting me on the edge, because I finished reading two other apocalyptic fiction novels this year, which I've already blogged about (World War Z and The Road). This was an interesting religious satire, I'll admit. It kept me just interested enough in the absurd situations of the last surviving documents of a civilization to keep me going. But then they killed off the main character a third of the way in, and switched to a new person. Good as a gimmick, and to get the story moving, but the novel (though well-written) was already a little impenetrable with its flowery prose, relating to too many religious details or made-up cults. I had to drop it because I completely lost sight of the story.

It is not entirely the author's fault for this. I picked up the novel at a bad time, when I was tired of apocalypse. And maybe other people would like it -- certainly, science-fiction buffs could get a high from it. But I put this down for the same reason I put down Isaac Asimov's Foundation -- there was nothing keeping me hooked. I had to work to read it.

On the other hand, there are books that know what FUN really is. Perhaps they had better editors, or maybe the writers were better. Whatever the case, I stayed with the next three books. Kingdom Keepers 2 I already talked about. That gets a free pass because it was a quick read and relatively fun. I'd be ambivalent on picking up another one, but if enough time passes before the next one, I might be interested in it.

Mimus, on the other hand, was a surprise. This was recommmended to me by a librarian a few years ago, and I finally picked it up. It's a story, originally in German, about a prince who is kidnapped and sent to be a jester's apprentice. I sometimes have problems getting through books written in other countries because of the lack of English colloquialisms to draw me in, but this one worked because it was set in medieval times, and the characters had a weird way of speaking anyway. I almost didn't finish this book because it was boringly predictable in the first few pages. Never walk into a lion's den if you're suspicious, guys. But once the jester sprang from the pages, I was hooked. Lilli Thal's book is full of wit, and is an interesting take on the medieval feudal system. Servants and kings are naturally separated, which is a jarring change from our equality-motivated society, but it ultimately works out. With the class-switching of the prince, I was genuinely interested in the rearranged points of view of members of the nobility or working class from a jester's very low perspective. But most importantly, I was invested in the story. Points of view aside, there was rarely a moment when the story was not pushed forward. The author never lost sight of the eventual destination.

And then there was Point Blank by Anthony Horowitz, sequel to the excellent Stormbreaker I read a few years back. Now, I'm not arguing that all books should be as superficial as these. There is good material in the Great Books, and they are complex and lyrical. Mimus was more complex than Point Blank. This is really a young adult's book -- but it was a very very good one. As kid superspy novelists go, Horowitz may be the pro. The book is "full of action", as reviewers say. It's also full of gadgets, full of criminals, full of dastardly plots and secret passageways, full of doppelgangers and stern MI6 bosses... in short, Horowitz takes all the good elements of a James Bond movie, eliminates the bad elements (such as they are), and puts it in a teen's perspective. The result is a stew that is as delicious the first time (Stomrbreaker) as it is the second time. I'm told the later books are as good as, or better than, the earlier ones. I have to say, this is the first sequel I've read this year that did not completely disappoint me. The total opposite -- I was thrilled from start to finish.

Like I said, maybe I'm wrong on this count. Maybe you can write about whatever you want. But I, as a reader, am only going to finish your book if you give me a reason to do so. And that reason can't be something I could find in a textbook or encyclopedia. You've got to draw me into your world, mister. Give it a shot -- I'm just as eager to find out about it as you are.